Post by watermelonrain on Jun 10, 2018 10:04:06 GMT -7
It almost seems unfathomable that a stay-at-home mom who "doesn't have to work", can struggle with depression. Like people think our lives are all peaches and cream because we "stay home and pamper ourselves all day", right? Ha, yeah ok. I feel like every time I Google depression or look up symptoms it shows me a picture of a woman lying in bed, sleeping. But what about the rest of us who have to hold it together all day and internalize our anger, frustration and sadness because we have kids who depend on us and husband who works all day and we feel guilty and selfish taking care of our own mental health because all of these other people depend on us.
I watch TV and maybe my kids are watching cartoons in the other room or something and I just break down and cry because I feel so alone and so empty and like I've lost myself. Mothers are supposed to be perfect. We're supposed to cook, clean, play with our kids, make sure they're well-rounded and educated, look beautiful, get all the shopping done and make sure all the diapers and clothes are clean.
And the truth is most of the time my house is a freaking disaster, I can't find time to fold all the clothes I washed because I'm sweeping the floors and mopping them because something sticky gets spilled or my kids get bath water all over the floor or someone gets hit in an argument about a toy, then it's lunch time which i skip because after making their 3 lunches I don't give a damn if I eat and all I want is a cigarette, so yes I choose the damn cigarette over folding the mountain of clothes, God forbid.
It's like just trying to keep the house from getting burnt down or completely destroyed on an everyday basis is exhausting. Every 5 minutes they come in fighting with each other or the baby starts crying or there's something else I have to do like make a bed or get them dressed. And where the hell did my life and personality go? Anyone?
I used to be a poet, a writer, a singer, a music lover, active and excited about my life. Now at 26 almost 27 and with three kids all under the age of 8, I feel like I'm drowning and being a mother all at the same time.
My husband works so hard to take care of us and our family and make sure that we can pay all the bills that I honestly feel guilty as Sin telling him anything about my depression concerns or the thoughts that I've been having recently. It's my job to be strong and mature and an adult, not put any extra stress or weight on him.
I feel like I'm a hairpin away from snapping, from completely losing my shit because I can't take the time out of my life or away from my children or husband in order to be selfish and take that time for myself. I'm dying for something as simple as going for a morning hike with my journal and some headphones and listening to music while I hike through the woods and sit down in some beautiful place and write some poetry or vent my thoughts....God, my phone would be going off every 10 minutes... he would just ask why can't we all go?
And again I would automatically feel guilty ditching my family and invite everyone to come along and be bothered every 5 minutes for something to drink or a snack or everyone being tired. And then I would feel like a shitty mom because my kids deserve to go out and explore and go hiking with me.
I don't think the being a stay-at-home mom with depression is acceptable in today's society, like people would look at me like a head case or like I'm a bad mother because I struggle with these types of thoughts and feelings.
But is it really that hard to wrap your head around? I'm required to be so strong all the time and so understanding and so loving and so consistent and no matter how much pressure is placed on me or how much I have on my plate, I manage to uphold the house for everyone and make sure things function accordingly, even when I can't freakin handle it but I keep trying because my family deserves it.
I actually would love to be like those pictures of the woman laying in the bed sleeping all day because half the time it is exhausting for me to even try to fall asleep.
Plus if I could find the kind of solitude to sleep all day it would mean I had some peace and quiet. But me laying in bed all day and not paying any attention to my kids needs would be neglect.
I feel like I constantly live with a pain and tightness in my chest like there's always tears waiting to pour out of my eyes as soon as I'm alone. Sometimes I sneak off to the bathroom so that my kids can't see the tears streaming down my face and I have time to splash some cold water over my eyes and pull myself together and suck it all back up because they can't have a woman breaking down mentally and be their mother at the same time.
I watch TV and maybe my kids are watching cartoons in the other room or something and I just break down and cry because I feel so alone and so empty and like I've lost myself. Mothers are supposed to be perfect. We're supposed to cook, clean, play with our kids, make sure they're well-rounded and educated, look beautiful, get all the shopping done and make sure all the diapers and clothes are clean.
And the truth is most of the time my house is a freaking disaster, I can't find time to fold all the clothes I washed because I'm sweeping the floors and mopping them because something sticky gets spilled or my kids get bath water all over the floor or someone gets hit in an argument about a toy, then it's lunch time which i skip because after making their 3 lunches I don't give a damn if I eat and all I want is a cigarette, so yes I choose the damn cigarette over folding the mountain of clothes, God forbid.
It's like just trying to keep the house from getting burnt down or completely destroyed on an everyday basis is exhausting. Every 5 minutes they come in fighting with each other or the baby starts crying or there's something else I have to do like make a bed or get them dressed. And where the hell did my life and personality go? Anyone?
I used to be a poet, a writer, a singer, a music lover, active and excited about my life. Now at 26 almost 27 and with three kids all under the age of 8, I feel like I'm drowning and being a mother all at the same time.
My husband works so hard to take care of us and our family and make sure that we can pay all the bills that I honestly feel guilty as Sin telling him anything about my depression concerns or the thoughts that I've been having recently. It's my job to be strong and mature and an adult, not put any extra stress or weight on him.
I feel like I'm a hairpin away from snapping, from completely losing my shit because I can't take the time out of my life or away from my children or husband in order to be selfish and take that time for myself. I'm dying for something as simple as going for a morning hike with my journal and some headphones and listening to music while I hike through the woods and sit down in some beautiful place and write some poetry or vent my thoughts....God, my phone would be going off every 10 minutes... he would just ask why can't we all go?
And again I would automatically feel guilty ditching my family and invite everyone to come along and be bothered every 5 minutes for something to drink or a snack or everyone being tired. And then I would feel like a shitty mom because my kids deserve to go out and explore and go hiking with me.
I don't think the being a stay-at-home mom with depression is acceptable in today's society, like people would look at me like a head case or like I'm a bad mother because I struggle with these types of thoughts and feelings.
But is it really that hard to wrap your head around? I'm required to be so strong all the time and so understanding and so loving and so consistent and no matter how much pressure is placed on me or how much I have on my plate, I manage to uphold the house for everyone and make sure things function accordingly, even when I can't freakin handle it but I keep trying because my family deserves it.
I actually would love to be like those pictures of the woman laying in the bed sleeping all day because half the time it is exhausting for me to even try to fall asleep.
Plus if I could find the kind of solitude to sleep all day it would mean I had some peace and quiet. But me laying in bed all day and not paying any attention to my kids needs would be neglect.
I feel like I constantly live with a pain and tightness in my chest like there's always tears waiting to pour out of my eyes as soon as I'm alone. Sometimes I sneak off to the bathroom so that my kids can't see the tears streaming down my face and I have time to splash some cold water over my eyes and pull myself together and suck it all back up because they can't have a woman breaking down mentally and be their mother at the same time.
