Post by Angel on Oct 5, 2013 15:05:47 GMT -7
I try very hard to be the weathered rock. The person who has been there, and can support others. But shit guys, a fucked up day can get underneath me just as much as anyone.
At work, I've been busting my ass to try and be as good and awesome and super spectacular as possible, picking up shifts for people, doing other peoples' jobs, the works. Couple days ago, took a shift in something I didn't even know how to do because they needed someone, had twenty minutes of training and was left to my own devices for an additional six hours after my scheduled four. Nice hours, don't get me wrong. But seriously. Major. Fucking. Anxiety. No supervision, and I was in charge of dealing with customers, the phone lines, and all kinds of chaotic and unpredictable things. But I did it.
I got compliments the day of. I work early mornings, so by mid afternoon all the people I worked with were gone. The day people asked me if I were new, where I'd come from, and all seemed surprised (but happy) when I said I was morning crew but stayed to help out. Yay. (I really, really like it when people tell me I did good job. Doesn't have to be in front of others, doesn't have to be a production, I just really feel good when I know I've done good and helped someone else out.)
Next day on my shift at bajeezus o'clock in the morning, the manager is talking about how people don't do enough, how we should cover more shifts, everything. I mean I know I did good for the afternoon team but it sucks hearing my manager giving us all a talk about how we don't do enough. (We have a practice of highlighting when people go above and beyond. So while I wasn't expecting to be highlighted (was kinda hoping for it, I'll admit.) it was disappointing to be lumped in with everyone who wasn't doing awesome stuff on the side.)
Then he goes on to talka bout how we aren't fast enough or precise enough. (I work at a retail store, so I'm on that early morning group that gets the truck unloaded and stocked.) And I'm just frustrated. My above and beyond doesn't count for anything and I just feel shitty and slow. And slow always makes me feel fat.
They need help in a specific area, so I go over and lo and behold I'm stocking an enormous aisle on a very very tight time budget. Needless to say, in the end I'm last one working due to sheer volume. It also happened to be the aisle with the weightloss stuff. Looking at all the skinny people on the products and feeling very, very shitty about myself...
Other side of the aisle also had sleep aids, so I'm looking at all these proclamations about getting skinny fast or sleeping better than you ever have before. And all I can think about is getting like six bottles of each after my shift and chugging them all. One of three things will happen:
1) I'll get sick and puke. Not too shabby.
2) The weightloss shit will work. Awesome.
3) The sleep shit will kill me. Also awesome.
Seriously hardcore triggering, mostly because of how shitty I felt. Was close to panic attacks multiple times. In tears most of the time in the aisle unless someone came to check on me. All I could thing was:
Do NOT cry in front of them. Let them think you're okay. Otherwise they'll start asking questions and you are gonna totally break down. DO NOT CRY.
So I didn't. And it hurt like fuck. And now I'm home, venting (which feels great) and drinking like a motherfucker. So. Yay! Drunk, not hurting myself, not doing anything bad. Just drunk. Listening to sad music and crying sometimes, but it's a really nice way to vent shit out that I can't do other times.
Anyway, that's my day. I'm drunk. I'm needy. I just want a hug. :/ But! No matter what, I still love and support you all, no matter how shaky I am.
Love, Angel
At work, I've been busting my ass to try and be as good and awesome and super spectacular as possible, picking up shifts for people, doing other peoples' jobs, the works. Couple days ago, took a shift in something I didn't even know how to do because they needed someone, had twenty minutes of training and was left to my own devices for an additional six hours after my scheduled four. Nice hours, don't get me wrong. But seriously. Major. Fucking. Anxiety. No supervision, and I was in charge of dealing with customers, the phone lines, and all kinds of chaotic and unpredictable things. But I did it.
I got compliments the day of. I work early mornings, so by mid afternoon all the people I worked with were gone. The day people asked me if I were new, where I'd come from, and all seemed surprised (but happy) when I said I was morning crew but stayed to help out. Yay. (I really, really like it when people tell me I did good job. Doesn't have to be in front of others, doesn't have to be a production, I just really feel good when I know I've done good and helped someone else out.)
Next day on my shift at bajeezus o'clock in the morning, the manager is talking about how people don't do enough, how we should cover more shifts, everything. I mean I know I did good for the afternoon team but it sucks hearing my manager giving us all a talk about how we don't do enough. (We have a practice of highlighting when people go above and beyond. So while I wasn't expecting to be highlighted (was kinda hoping for it, I'll admit.) it was disappointing to be lumped in with everyone who wasn't doing awesome stuff on the side.)
Then he goes on to talka bout how we aren't fast enough or precise enough. (I work at a retail store, so I'm on that early morning group that gets the truck unloaded and stocked.) And I'm just frustrated. My above and beyond doesn't count for anything and I just feel shitty and slow. And slow always makes me feel fat.
They need help in a specific area, so I go over and lo and behold I'm stocking an enormous aisle on a very very tight time budget. Needless to say, in the end I'm last one working due to sheer volume. It also happened to be the aisle with the weightloss stuff. Looking at all the skinny people on the products and feeling very, very shitty about myself...
Other side of the aisle also had sleep aids, so I'm looking at all these proclamations about getting skinny fast or sleeping better than you ever have before. And all I can think about is getting like six bottles of each after my shift and chugging them all. One of three things will happen:
1) I'll get sick and puke. Not too shabby.
2) The weightloss shit will work. Awesome.
3) The sleep shit will kill me. Also awesome.
Seriously hardcore triggering, mostly because of how shitty I felt. Was close to panic attacks multiple times. In tears most of the time in the aisle unless someone came to check on me. All I could thing was:
Do NOT cry in front of them. Let them think you're okay. Otherwise they'll start asking questions and you are gonna totally break down. DO NOT CRY.
So I didn't. And it hurt like fuck. And now I'm home, venting (which feels great) and drinking like a motherfucker. So. Yay! Drunk, not hurting myself, not doing anything bad. Just drunk. Listening to sad music and crying sometimes, but it's a really nice way to vent shit out that I can't do other times.
Anyway, that's my day. I'm drunk. I'm needy. I just want a hug. :/ But! No matter what, I still love and support you all, no matter how shaky I am.
Love, Angel