liam
New & Shy
Posts: 18 
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Post by liam on Sept 30, 2013 17:35:11 GMT -7
basically I have had a really shitty week, my emotions have been all over the place and stress from school has been getting to me... so I had cut on Saturday and I thought that had relieved a lot of the pain, but instead it only made my emotional pain worse, so sunday I spent most of the days on the verge of tears, somehow I avoided cutting however about 15 minutes ago it all got to much, however I cut really deep and I spent a while just drawing patterns with my own blood, im not sure why but it was oddly calming, however I finally snapped out of the trance when I realised that it was bleeding quite a lot, I think I have sorted it now, I have managed to use a bandage for sporting injures to keep a tissue over the cut, although it may still be bleeding.. now im sat here crying, but trying to be quite, I feel like I have let everybody down again.. why am I such a screw up in life, all I want is a girl who understands me and wants to cuddle with me, not just have pointless sex for the hell of it... sometimes I just wish I was dead |
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Post by Angel on Sept 30, 2013 19:58:46 GMT -7
Oh hon, it's totally okay that stuff gets you down. You really shouldn't feel like you've let anyone down, you haven't. You're still here, and you're still struggling, and that's okay. It sucks, and it's hard as hell, but that doesn't make you a bad person or anything. Does cutting normally make the emotional pain worse, or does it help it? And please get some kind of disinfectant for your cuts to make sure they don't get infected. And it's really good that you found something calming, finding something to calm you down is really good. How is the bleeding now? Is it still going? Or did the bleeding stop? Please make sure you treat them, so that they can not be infected. Do you want to talk about the week? What shitty stuff happened? Or no? Hope you feel better, Sweetling.
Love,
Angel
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liam
New & Shy
Posts: 18
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Post by liam on Oct 1, 2013 2:50:39 GMT -7
usually cutting gets rid of the emotional pain but it didnt this time, it just made it worse, I don't think its still bleeding but I haven't actually checked yet, you school is closed because the teachers are on strike but im going in to see the nurse still... and the shitty stuff was stuff like getting into trouble for not doing work and stuff like that and it kept getting me down and made things worse...
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Post by Angel on Oct 1, 2013 4:29:22 GMT -7
Well, first of all I'm glad you're going to the nurse and taking care of the cuts, that's really good. Second, I know it's hard, and it sucks, but hang in there. I'm also worried that if this is a new normal thing - that cutting is going to make things worse than better, then maybe it might be time to try and move past it. I know you've been working on that, and that's really good. If you notice that it's continuing to make things worse, then well. It's scary to think about our self medications not working but maybe it's not anymore for some reason. Never forget that I love and support you. How are you feeling today? <3 love you!
Love,
Angel
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liam
New & Shy
Posts: 18
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Post by liam on Oct 1, 2013 6:12:01 GMT -7
not feeling too bad today, although the nurse washed all the things I had drawn in my own blood away, which has upset me because I found them calming... I want to stay clean for longer this time but im not sure I have the strength to stay even one day clean right now...
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Post by Angel on Oct 1, 2013 12:06:16 GMT -7
It's okay, the main thing is to stay alive. Clean is good, alive is better. What about drawing in red paint? I know it's not quite the same, but maybe it might be a little calming since cutting itself didnt seem to help. If it's okay to ask (and I totally get if it's too personal to share) but what did you draw? And I'm glad the nurse helped, even if it means that the drawings got washed off. Definitely don't want to end up hospitalized because something got infected :/ and I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little bit better today, and when you feel ready I know you'll try again to be clean. Problem with us is, we are so fragile. We can only do what we can handle, and if we push too much we break and get worse. So main thing is to not get worse, and then slowly work on getting better. I'm proud of you for trying and for getting help to make sure they were cleaned. Hang in there, it's a hell of a fight but I will support you the whole way. <3
Love,
Angel
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liam
New & Shy
Posts: 18
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Post by liam on Oct 1, 2013 13:08:11 GMT -7
I drew sad faces but I also wrote failure on my arm too (it did bleed quite a lot) but I do think I have broken and got worse because I have never cut so deep, and whilst I panicked at first because I thought that my mum was coming up the stairs but then I realised that I could draw things with the blood so I sort of calmed down, my mum doesn't know that I have started cutting again and im scared about her finding out...
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Post by Angel on Oct 1, 2013 13:19:49 GMT -7
It's okay, I'm sure she will be worried, especially if she doesn't understand. Do you think using red paint might do the same thing? I know that knowing it isn't blood might make it not as effective, but I just worry for you. I worry that the cutting is getting deeper, and I'm concerned because it could go TOO deep, you know? And the cutting isn't itself helping anymore, it sounds like, even though the painting did. That's why I was thinking maybe just painting would help. Might not make things totally calm, but might be enough off the edge where maybe you wouldn't have to cut. It's totally okay if it doesn't work, it's okay to try things and have them not work and end up having to cut after all, part of recovery is just trying. And I'm totally here to support you and help you however I can. Let me know if I can do anything specifically, if me throwing out ideas (whether or not they work or not) is helpful or just frustrating and annoying. I found things that could help easy my edge, and I want to try and help find things to help other people cope. <3 Hang in there!
Love,
Angel
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