liam
New & Shy
Posts: 18 
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Post by liam on Sept 19, 2013 15:41:33 GMT -7
I'm currently sat in my bed with a blade in hand looking at my cuts... how I want to drag this blade across my skin and let the blood flow...
but let me first tell you what has happened today and why i'm in this spot right now, basically my parents found out that I self-harm today and they took me to the doctors, which meant a lot because it means I know they care, but the doctor has kind of triggered this..
whilst the doctor was talking he said that I should try to avoid cutting but if I do then its not the end of the world, now the dark part of me latched onto those words with utter glee and whilst I have been blasting music out all day to distract myself i'm now sat in bed with everyone else asleep so I cant distract myself... the thing is as I write this the urge is getting stronger and stronger, to the point when i'm shaking with the need...
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Post by Angel on Sept 19, 2013 15:54:08 GMT -7
Hey, it's okay to feel triggered. It's really, really hard to just stop. And, the doctor is right, in a way. Also - the worst thing anyone can ever say to someone who cuts is "Stop that." or "Don't do that anymore." Like it's that easy to just decide to quit. My response was always "Sure, I'll get right on that." *eyeroll*
It's really, really good that you want to stop. And I'm so glad that things seemed to go okay at the doctors, and that your parents aren't being really hyper protective and checking in on you and stuff. One thing I did when I was struggling with urges is I would take a red marker (not a pen because you can press a pen hard enough to hurt) and I'd draw the lines instead of cut them. And for whatever reason, the visual seemed to help the need become less. I have no idea if that would work for someone else, but what could be the harm in trying?
Another thing I tried was just pinching myself, because the pain that came from the pinch (admittedly I pinched HARD - like bruise-level) was enough. Bruises are a nice medium ground while trying to stop because you still (at least I did) can get the relief with the pain but bruises fade instead of turning into permanent scars.
I have no idea if either of those will help because self harm is so different from person to person, but I thought I would share what did help with me just in case it could help with you. You're doing so wonderful, and you're taking everything so well. Having people find out can be one of the most terrifying aspects to the whole experience.
Love,
Angel
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liam
New & Shy
Posts: 18
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Post by liam on Sept 25, 2013 17:06:12 GMT -7
think im going to end up in this position again before the end of this week, I have tried staying clean for the past week and whilst I have mostly been successful these daemons in my head are screaming and shouting and nothing I can do will shut them up, all I see is red and I want that red to be running down my arm...
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Post by Angel on Sept 25, 2013 21:54:02 GMT -7
It's okay. Take a deep breath. You went a whole week. That's AMAZING. It's so hard when you start out, and it feels agonizing at first. But you made a decision to stop and you really stuck to it. You're very strong. I urge you to keep trying, you've done such amazing work so far staying clean. But if you relapse, remember not to be too hard on yourself, and remember that you made it a week before. If you do relapse, try to get a little further next time. That's all part of recovery. Try and focus on just now though. I know when I start thinking "I won't make it a week" then I start getting anxious and freaking myself out and felt guilty for something I hadn't even done yet - which then ended up triggering the relapse. Just focus on right now and how amazing you're doing to be still fighting urges: I'm so very proud of you, and I'm cheering for you. I believe in you. Please don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
Love,
Angel
Ps. No matter what happens, I love and support you, and don't ever not think you're Awesome. You're strong, choosing to fight and fighting it. You're incredible. <3 <3
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