10/10/13 (RED, triggering and foul language)

So, first of all, big, big congratulations on a week. That first week is really hard, and I'm really proud of you for making it a week before things got shitty again. And, the good thing is (even if it doesn't feel like it right now) You made it a whole week! You can make it a whole week again once you feel a little more stable, and then maybe a few days after that! I mean, you did it once. You can totally do it again, once you get calmed down and ready to try. And I'm really proud you're making an effort to stay clean, and that you've done so well with it so far.

And people are pricks (I'm not entirely sure what stroppy means, it's not a word us Americans use , but I can get the jist of it from the context, I think. He sounds like a needy ass, but he just doesn't understand. I don't like him very much though, from the sound of this.

Have you tried talking to your Ex about how this guy affected your mood? And if you guys are really good friends, she should support you. Especially if she's not dating that guy, just likes him. (Honestly if some jackass tried to get between me and a good friend of mine, I wouldn't be very attracted to him anymore.)

Try and remember what helped you stay clean for the last week, and try and focus on those things. It's okay to relapse, that's part of recovery. It isn't easy, I know. But it takes small steps, and you took a huge one - a full week. That's something you should really be proud of. I didn't make it a week for a very long time after I decided to get clean, so you're doing really well. Worry about getting clean when you feel a little more stable again, like you did before. When emotions are all crazy like they are when that ass triggered them, it's hard to stay focused. Hang in there though, I believe in you, and I think you're doing an amazing job!

Love,
Angel

It's okay to be upset (I hope you're feeling a little bit better today) but in my experience whenever I confront or go at someone while I'm upset: either hurt or angry or whatever, I usually say things I don't mean later, or because I'm upset rather than calm, the other person then gets upset and it escalates. I prefer to wait until I've calmed down and then address it.

How are things today?

Also - I like that word. I think I want to start using it now. Am I allowed to even if I'm American? lol

Love,
Angel

Hey sweetie, just wanted to see how you were doing, if anything was getting better. Is there anyone you can talk to? Can you still talk to her or do you not feel okay with that anymore? What about the counselor at school? I'm worried about you. I'm here for you. I can't imagine how hard it is for you, but I want to try and help support you. Have you considered any of the suicide hotlines for the UK? I know the ones here in the US are pretty good.

Love,
Angel

It's okay, it's a pretty rough situation, I can understand how it can really wreck you like that. What scares you about seeing a doctor? Is it about the anti depressants or more about the talking to a new person thing? I know I'm really bad talking to new people, I HATE talking on the phone, but talking in person is usually a little easier for me. (Not saying it's by any means easy. Just. Easier.) I don't want to pressure you or anything to see the doctor, but it might be a good idea. I mean, depression comes from some kind of chemical imbalance in our brains, like something is physically wrong, like a broken bone. So, if there's a medicine that could help - maybe not fix it but at least make it easier... think it might be worth a shot? Or still too big of a step yet? It's okay if that doesn't feel like it's the right thing for you to do. I just know seeing a doctor really helped me. Besides! You can always say no. You can talk to the doctor, and if you don't like him/her or don't like the idea of meds, they can't make you take them. Doc might have some good ideas for alternative ways to cope and handle the stress and pain that's coming from the situation, too.

*hugs* I'm cheering for you, I think you can make it. I have faith in you and I support you. Just take your time, do whatever you need to do, kay? <3 I'm here for you, no matter what.

Love,
Angel

Well, I'm a huge fan of honesty. I want people to always tell me how they feel, if I do something that bothers them, etc. I actually have a hard time with it because I will always put someone else first, to the point where I have nothing left. That's where my therapy has ended up, helping me take care of myself in addition to other people. So, that being said, I still value honesty and I still want people to tell me how they feel. But I think I'm a little weird. If I were your Ex, I would definitely want to know. But I don't know her well. What do you think she would want?

And definitely try talking to your mum if you think it will help. Or could help. Anything little that can help. I'm 25 and technically a grown up and stuff but one of my coping mechanisms is watching cartoon shows and curling up in a Disney Princess blanket and just pretending to be ten again for a little while. When I pretend to be ten, nothing else matters, I can just watch TV and not worry about stuff. So, that's a weird coping mechanism for me, but it works. It helps distract me when emotions get crazy, and then when they calm down I can actually deal with them better. So. It's not a fix, just something to keep me from completely losing it when it gets too hard to deal with. So, I don't think crawling under a Disney Princess blanket will necessarily help you (heh - I don't judge if it does!) but just something that does. Anything that makes the craziness a little bit easier to process so that you are able to deal with them rather than just being so overwhelmed by it. Does that even make sense? Your mum might have some ideas for some coping mechanisms like that, too, things that worked for her. If you feel comfortable talking to her, I suggest giving it a try. Talking stuff out is almost always helpful, I think. it at LEAST lets other people know where you stand, even if it can't fix the problem, and then they can be more helpful and sensitive to what you need and want. Please hang in there sweetie, it's a shitty situation, but I'm cheering for you! <3

Love,
Angel

Tots okay! I'm a drink into my vodka too. Helps me feel better and relax. (Just please, PLEASE be careful cutting and drinking, alcohol makes you number so you cut deeper... been there, bad stuff!) So, don't worry so much about being judged. She didn't say anything mean or anything. If anything, if you're all bandaged up, it's actually not that obvious. I mean, could be an accident, or something for all anyone knows. When you, yourself are a cutter, or some kind of self harm, you can recognize it easier in others. Who knows - maybe she knows someone who did, or did herself, or does, or something that would make her more understanding! If she was asking questions like that, and leading on in that way, then it sounds like maybe she has some background in it, either as a sufferer or as helping someone who did. If she didn't look all weirded out or anything, I'd say that's a good sign. Someone who can look at your cuts and/or scars and just give you a hug and kiss them better is fabulous, and they are out there. Maybe her arms were bare and no cuts on them - doesn't mean she didn't. Most of mine are on my thighs. See if you can hang out with her again, maybe find out from your mates or something who she is, see if you can be at a party with her again.

And love at first sight is okay, especially if new love at first sight helps you move past something that's over, you know? I'm excited for you and this girl.

Hey, I totally understand how that goes. I drink... what would be considered excessively for a normal person. But when I used to hurt I would be totally off my feet shitfaced every night and hurting myself (which was really bad because numb = need more to feel so really bad, dangerous stuff there so happy to be out of that) but I still drink a good bit to cope with anxiety and depression. I feel happier when I drink, or at least I care less about shit which makes me feel a little happier. And that's okay. Is it healthy? No. but I'm not a totally healthy person yet, and it takes a while to get there. The fact that you're using something that is healthier to cope is a very good sign, and you should embrace that and hang in there.

As far as the girly goes, I dunno. I'm sort of an abnormal girl myself. But, definitely sounds like a good sign that she was hunting for you. When I'm hanging out with guys and even when I was still like... actively harming, I just kept it covered, hung out with them, acted like things were normal. And sometimes it was just a feeling. I didn't go "Hi my name is Angel, here's the shit I deal with" because I didn't want to overwhelm people. I don't know if it actually would have, but I preferred to act a little normal. Usually being around that person made me happier, so I didn't have to really pretend a whole lot, which was great. Sometimes the mood was in the right place, sometimes they shared something personal about themselves first...

Like for example, was hanging out with this fellow I liked, we ended up at his place after a few drinks out (nothin happened, just he lived in walking distance and I had to drive home so we were gonna watch some TV while I sobered up) and we were curled up together on his sofa and watching a movie and kinda cuddling and before I realized it his hand was petting my arm and had pushed up my sleeve and was sorta touching my scars. He didn't say anything, and I turned to look at him and he just looked... almost sad. He didn't ask anything, I just said "Went through some shit." and he didn't ask anything else. Instead he changed the subject to "You know what the one thing I'm most afraid of is?" and we ended up in a really sweet (still a little intoxicated) discussion about fears and demons and dealing with stuff. So that moment just kind of happened for me.

The one other time I told someone about it was they were going through some insane stuff and I had them on the phone trying to talk them down and calm them down and get them to hang in there for one more day and I kinda threw all my cards on the table when he said "You don't know what it's like" and I said "Yes I do I used to cut for years, I know what that feeling is like" and then I described right back to him almost the exact feelings he was having, and after that we started talking about recovery and next steps and how to stop and it turned in a really productive convo.

So like, I know it's not the same, I wasn't ever close to anyone while I was actually still in that situation. Now it's just how do I talk about my scars when they come up or something. But for me it was still a right moment kind of thing. Part of me wants to let someone know right at the beginning, I feel like a special needs dog at the pound "Oh hey you like me and want to adopt me and take care of me, here's what you need to know." but I'm learning that just getting to know someone at first is okay, and then let things evolve into the deeper stuff.

Now, that was totally awful advice because I don't know how you interact with people best or how you deal with stuff, that's just been my personal experience. As far as cryptic and vague advice - do what you want. (I know, totally not helpful.) Do you WANT to tell her everything or would you rather hold some back? I mean she sounds like she's interested in you, and I don't know maybe she even knows about it, does it herself, or something. Maybe just chat a bit, get to know her? I like to feel a person out first, get to know them, and I can usually tell if they are going to be judgemental or not understand if I tell them, or if they might actually understand.

What do you want to do about it? lol

One last thing! Good work on staying clean! I'm proud of you!! It's definitely not easy, and you're hanging in there! <3 <3 You're awesome, and amazing, and strong and powerful, and don't ever forget that.

Love,
Angel